Summer Depression

Summer depression is a real thing, and I hate it.

For as long as I can remember, summers have always been hard for me. I spend the entire school year imagining this amazing summer I’m going to have, and then summer actually arrives, and I end up spending my days sitting in my room, not knowing what to do.

Summer has been especially difficult since I started attending boarding school. Everyone else goes home and reunites with their hometown friends. They hang out at each other’s houses, go to the mall, spend days at the beach, and make memories together. Me? I don’t really have friends from home.

It’s embarrassing.

I come home for the summer, wait a month to go on vacation, come back from vacation, and then spend another month waiting for school to start again. It’s not like I haven’t tried to find things to do. I have hobbies. I like reading and baking, but honestly, that’s about all I can think of. There’s only so many books you can read before your eyes start to hurt, and only so many batches of cookies you can make before your family begs you to stop.

I’m not a particularly creative person, so I struggle with things like scrapbooking and making collages. I get tired of working out easily, and I can never seem to stay consistent. I reach out to the friends I do have, but I get responses eight hours later, and nothing feels genuine. I always feel like a second thought—someone people remember only when it’s convenient.

I have a job, but I work from home most days, which means I still have to find ways to fill the emptiness between tasks.

I even tried doing something new. I made a TikTok account and started posting makeup content and “Get Ready With Me” videos. That got boring pretty quickly.

Most days, I sit in bed waiting for my boyfriend to be available to call me. And when he’s not available, that’s when the pain really sets in.

Your friends don’t want to talk to you. Your boyfriend isn’t available. Your family is busy.

And suddenly, you’re all alone.

Nights are the worst. That time when everyone in your house is getting ready for bed, and you’re sitting alone in your room. The loneliness hits harder than ever. Those moments absolutely kill me.

And the worst part is that I don’t know how to make myself feel differently.

Sometimes I feel like I sound like a pick-me girl, begging to be seen, heard, or appreciated. But really, I just want to feel fulfilled. I want to feel happy.

It’s summer. I’m supposed to be having fun. I’m supposed to be enjoying myself.

But lately, I don’t even know what enjoyment feels like anymore.